SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
AND DON'T SAY IT MEAN
Assertiveness. It's the best of both worlds. People who are assertive get their needs met while respecting the feelings and needs of others. Assertiveness begins with knowing your feelings and expressing them in a way that other people can hear. It is the center-point between the extremes of passivity and aggressiveness. A passive response is one that doesn’t respect the self, while an aggressive response doesn’t respect the other.
Passivity doesn’t voice feelings, nor does it voice needs. A passive response has no opinion and doesn’t make choices. A passive response to the question "What do you want to do for dinner?" would be "Oh I don’t care, you decide." It's the verbal equivalent of the limp handshake. There is no expressed investment in the outcome of things. What are the benefits to passivity? There must be some because humans don’t take on behaviors unless there is a payoff. Maybe the payoff is safety for someone who lives with an aggressive partner. Perhaps it’s the comfort of not having to take responsibility for anything. In short, it seems to be a reasonable response to both depression and oppression.
Aggressiveness, on the other hand, voices feelings, opinions and needs in a way that overlooks the well-being of the other. An aggressive response to a simple question like, "Why are you late?" might be, "It’s none of your damn business why I’m late. My time is my time and I won’t answer to anyone." Aggressiveness is often an expression of fear. The dynamic is not much different from that of a wild animal that feels cornered. By keeping others on the defensive, we gain an illusion of control over events, people and things.
And then there’s the old standby, passive-aggressiveness, which is really a very clever way of being aggressive without taking responsibility for one’s anger. An example of passive-aggressiveness is chronic lateness. It’s a way of gaining control or making a statement about a situation without actually declaring yourself. A passive-aggressive statement might be, "Gee, you look so good in black. It really hides your hips." Under the guise of a compliment, the speaker clearly insults the listener. You know you’ve been the victim of passive-aggressive behavior when you walk away from an encounter feeling attacked or uncomfortable and you can’t quite put your finger on why you feel that way.
None of the above approaches to communication are effective. Someone always loses. Assertiveness is a form of communication that is honest, straightforward and respectful of all parties. It is not a guarantee that you’ll always get your way - because, after- all, we can’t control other people’s behavior - but you can ensure that you’ve made your best effort for yourself and others. For example, a few years ago I had a landlord who raised my rent.. I assertively informed him that the increase was too much for me to afford and I suggested a lower increase. I didn’t get my way and I eventually had to move. But I took comfort in knowing I tried my best to get what I needed, and I did it in a way the was honest and respectful.
The components of an assertive statement include a description of the situation, an expression of feeling, and finally a few words about what you need. There is a formula called an "I" statement which encompasses these elements nicely. An "I" statement in response to my unexpected rent increase might have been. "I’m worried about this rent increase because it is very high and I can’t afford to pay it. I’d like to negotiate a smaller increase." The statement contains a feeling, a description of the problem and a needs statement. A simple formula is: I feel________ when you_________ because________ and I need _______.
An "I" statement accomplishes a number of important things. By avoiding blaming or name-calling, there is a separation between the problematic behavior and the person. It describes your feelings about a behavior and how it affects you. By owning your feelings and needs, your message is less threatening and so reduces defensive responses. And finally, an "I" statement can defuse a potentially volatile situation.
There are lots of good reasons to use assertive behavior. And lots of good reasons to avoid passivity and aggressiveness.
So, what are you waiting for? Speak up!!! Mean what you say, say what you mean and don’t say it mean!!